7.19.12

7.19.12.  These numbers proudly owned a day on the calendar destined to be a big, joyful, life-changing, bountiful day.  July 19^th, 2012 was the expected date given to me by my doctor for our Little Angel to take in a renewing first breath of air. 

On 2.3.12, the nineteenth of July became a dreaded day - a day pushed into a shadowy corner of my mind, yet always lingering within my awareness.  Some days I feel encouraged, hopeful, and calm.  Other days, a golf ball lump forms in my throat; and, in a flash, tears pool in my eyes as if they had been locked in captivity for years by a dense steel door.  Erupting from their space, they flood over my heart.  Those tears are from my heart breaking in two over unanswered questions, unexpected outcomes, and  a deep-rooted maternal pain.    

Losing a baby I never held in my arms but knew so well in my heart left an imprint on my soul that will be there until the day I die.  And, on that day, I will run with open arms towards an angel that will run in a mirror image back to me. 

With reassurance and overflowing joy, I will run towards a piece of me that was lost but will fit so securely within my heart and arms once again.  I know this.  I know this in my heart, in my mind, and in the images of a sweet face I have seen through a crystal-clear lens two times in my dreams since February. The face that I see is connected to a whimsical, warm, sweet soul I feel I already know.

The number of days since that fateful day in February will only multiply like squares of fabric connected to each other on a patchwork quilt as the days and months go on.  And, I know that time will heal . . . as time always does.  I know that time will calmly work to soothe me, comfort me, and bring me to a place of peace.

The nineteenth day of July will always be a hard day, but I am now releasing this day into the wind with hope and a prayer.  I am doing this for peace, acceptance, and strength. 

Dancing softly on the edges of my hopeful heart remains the whisper of encouragement for days ahead that are full of renewal, new miracles, and little wonders. 

I am so thankful for this hope.